Where I've been

Well, here we are again.

Your patience for clicking through buzzfeed list finally crumbled to dust, and in this desperate hour I've lured your sad ass back into a sleazy den of woefully sub-par web content. I'd like to say it was easy, so I'm going to say it was easy.

It was easy.

But, it wasn't. It took a lot of willfully stupid decisions, abysmal luck, and the looming threat of mass extinction. But I've finally become an awful enough mockery of a human being and sufficiently shitty writer to finally make this website into the cesspool of depraved, idiotic ramblings I always wanted it to be.

I mean, that is what is was before, but now it's going to be so much worse, and I'm so proud to share it. And that process, dear reader, was not easy.

One descent into a spiral of despair and squalor isn't enough...it takes a real commitment to degeneracy to achieve peak performance as the vile, man-shaped husk of person who writes to you today.

You not only need to take a single reckless, irresponsible plunge, you have to also follow it up with feckless, laughable attempts to flail your way back towards something resembling emotional health and functioning adulthood. Then, over the course of months or years, you almost crawl your way there…

...only to fuck everything back up with a master stroke of incompetent buffoonery and plummet back to the depths. And then, rinse, and repeat. Actually, don't rinse.

Also, the old wordpress blog kept getting targeted by some sort of russian hackers after I refused an offer to sell the domain name to some shady company for $300. The domain name is obviously priceless, and to offer a paltry three Benjamins was a fucking insult.

Eventually I got tired of having to search for loopholes that their porno spambot kept putting in the wordpress code, and I took the whole damn site down after backing up the database. Sadly I was too stupid to think about backing up the files or images so I've got to comb through several old hard drives and use the Wayback Machine to get those back, if I even can.

And so, I'm about the business of internet necromancy...bringing the old content back from the dead in all of its disgrace, free of Russian porno redirects, article by article. You'll find them in the "That which should have been forgotten" section.

Other things you can expect:

• Hot new singles will be regularly joining up for the official AWB matchmaking service, "Quick Dating Solutions"
• The return of the very educational web game "How Do I Cat?"
• More useless web services and games
• Probably some crappy merchandise, but until then you can just find me and buy my underpants
• Updates about the Smellybeard books series (it's coming but don't hold your breath haha)
• Other news about all things from Midveil, the universe of Morts Smellybeard

I'd say go enjoy the site, but joy ain't what we're here for, is it?