Ancestral Beards - BEARD FACTS

4/15/2012

As one raised by the Ancients, I was instilled with the importance of revering the beards that preceded me, and indeed forged the very blood from which my own beard grows.

Meet my great great grandfather, James Madison Shirley. Unfortunately the dude was on the wrong side of history in the Civil War, but given that Shirleys aren't especially known for wisdom or making good decisions, this doesn't come as a shock.

However, it was from this mighty beard my branch of the family was sprung.  Reading about his life; a great deal of my own characteristics made much more sense:

• Mighty beard-growing ability
• Love of honey
• Bold but ill-conceived actions in the face of hunger
• Predisposition for fucking off
• Primal nudity

One day James and his buddy totally had the munchies like woah style. James saw a bee farm and being a lover of honey, a prime vitamin for beard growing, he decided they should totally gank a hive and chow down. His buddy was probably all "Now I dun know much bout em ere burgs, but I hurd tell they'll sting yer hide up full of...stings" and my great great grand-dad was like "Fuck that shit I hear tell I ain't fraid no beebugs; I fuckin' love honey son" and undoubtedly thinking his beard would protect him from the bees, he got his arm stung so much it reached freakish hulk size. He was given leave from the Confederate army for the official military reason of "honey-related stupidness" and proceeded to go back home and knock his wife up a few times in what I imagine was a lustful fury of honey euphoria and bee venom rage.

Continuing his trend of poor meal planning and spontaneous adventure, sometime after he was in the Battle of Vicksburg (which I would like to think the Confederacy lost due to something dumb he did involving honey and hanger) and heading home he found himself totally hungry again out in the middle of nowhere, so he did what anyone would do, and climbed up a tree, where he waited, and fell upon a deer like batman on criminals, and armed with nothing but a knife, slew his supper.

What wasn't so clear about the ordeal is why he was completely naked when he showed back up with the deer over his shoulder. He claims that when the struggle ended with the deer, he had "not a shred of clothing left intact."

It seems more likely to me, and probably everyone else, that he was naked before he climbed up the tree. And possibly, during the entire escapade, and decided to use the battle with the beast as an explanation for his primal nudity.

After proving himself to be totally crazy, he said to hell with shaving and grew out his beard for the rest of his life until he became a wizard and again retreated into the wilderness, where he likely remains to this day, stealing honey and knifing wildlife garbed only in his own magnificent white chin-mane.

An example I totally intend to follow, when I have sufficiently proven my self to be as crazy and hungry as this mother fucker.

See full article, CTRL+F the shit out of "bees" on this page and read about his batshit ass:  Hezekiah Shirley's Branch