Adventures with Beards

Garbage content made by an awful man for terrible people

Upping your game as an erotic webcam performer by expanding your target market

Just think about other types of videos people are watching online. And no, I don't mean other genres of porn (which are infinite and expanding at a rate faster than the universe itself.) Think more along the lines of do-it-yourself demonstration videos, cooking shows, life hacks, the news, and the weather...because by the time we're done here we are gonna turn your cam show into a one-stop-shop of hot ass quality content in five simple steps.

Step One

To start out, you should be wearing an apron, so people can see you are a serious cook. Also, for safety, because you are only wearing an apron (we are trying to make it sexy after all), and there are a few different types of seasoning and ingredients that cause painful burns if they come in contact with sensitive areas. Ghost peppers + butthole = agony. Well, ghost peppers + any hole = agony, let's be real. So go ahead and pop a cork in there, in a literal sense, 'cause step four is gonna be spicy, also in a literal sense.

Step Two

Pick out a dish that's seasonally appropriate. I'm writing this in the fall, so we're gonna go with a pumpkin soup. Pumpkin is a super food, so we're tapping the health nut demographic here, too. It's worth noting squash recipes are a good fallback for cam shows any time of year, though, because they all vaguely resemble sensual body parts. Take a summer squash, like zucchini, for instance. With a little imagination, you can see how it closely resembles a flared nostril. Mmmm. Very hot. Sorry, getting distracted and off-topic.

Step Three

For the DIY demonstration part, you can show how to make a jack-o-lantern using a high powered vibrator to create the eyes, nose, and mouth. This will help draw in the crafter demographic. I have to say, you are going to have to do some work figuring this one out for yourself though, dear reader. It is not easy. I had a go at it myself, and the resulting jack-o-lantern was truly grotesque and horrific..."Way, way too far, even for halloween" was how my landlady described it.

It also ruined the vibrator, which for some reason the people at the store would not accept as a return, even when I explained to them I had only used it to "turn my pumpkin's ass into soup" which seemed fairly innocuous to me. Thanks a lot, Va Va Voom! Sure hope this blogging thing works out cause now I'm out $300 dollars. Ah well, nothing risked, nothing gained. Let's move on to the culinary portion.

Step Four

Assemble your ingredients, take your mangled but edible holiday decoration, and run a hot bath for yourself. Slowly lower yourself in. Not too fast though; we're keeping it classy. Now mix them all together in the tub with one hand, and with a pen and paper, prepare a budget for the next month with other. That's called multitasking, and BAM...you've just hit the life hack market too.

Step Five

Now, I forgot to mention an important part...the tub needs to be outside. I do hope you're not following this list step-by-step, because it is nearly impossible to move a tub full of soup, and yourself, from the indoors to the front lawn without some sort of assistance. But if you didn't finish the article first, don't feel bad, I did the same thing on my first attempt.

If you are in this situation, though, don't even bother trying to call your landlady/lord for help. While they may be quick to give unsolicited opinions about your jack-o-lanterns because they are "giving children nightmares" or some bullshit, they are loathe to help you to relocate an erotic tubsoup situation from your bathroom to your yard. Call a parent or relative, or someone else who has already given up on you but is obligated to not let you die. A parole officer also works, in a pinch.

ANYWAY now that you've got your tub outside, you're probably wondering why. You see, in one master stroke of efficiency (and your own genitalia, haha) you are killing the following birds with one sexy stone:

- Free advertisement for your cam show, obviously!
- It's outside, so people get a live update on current weather conditions
- In the winter and fall, the cold weather makes your nips pop (nice)
- Local news is also covered, because you're about to be on it

BONUS ADVICE: Work some surprises in to your performance!

Over the course of an hour, in between short bouts of sexy dancing, struggle helplessly to remove your pants. Display increasing frustration and become more frantic, until finally, you fall over, and hit your head on the table. Crumple unconscious to the floor, as a pool of blood slowly spreads out from under your head. Twitch a little. After a few moments, the paramedics arrive. But how? It wasn't one of your patrons that called, they would've been too busy enjoying a twisted, guilty climax. As they clean up, your audience is wondering, as anyone might, how the emergency responders miraculously knew to come to your rescue.

PLOT TWIST:

As you are carried out the door, one of the paramedics rolls up your sleeve and reveals a small electronic bracelet on your wrist with a flashing red light. The paramedic faces the camera, and it is thus revealed that this whole time, your viewers have been watching an infomercial advertising Life Alert.

"Good thing they had this!" the paramedic says, and the other nods, also facing the camera.

As they drag you outside, you can hear one say "Fifth call to this place we've had since Wednesday."

"Have you seen their cam show? It's informative, but also very, very erotic stuff," the other says.

FIN

Now just send the Life Alert company an invoice and you're gtg