Adventures with Beards

Horrible content made by an awful man for terrible people

Roll yer own at Internet Time


So I'm driving out of town on the road near my house and I look over and see a strange looking building that says in big letters on the front - "INTERNET TIME." As anyone would, I immediately wonder wtf internet time is. Is it like playtime? As in a portion of time devoted to internet? Is it a standard of time, like central time or mountain time? Is designating an age or an epoch, like the Bronze Age or the Renaissance? Are we, and this store, living in the  "Internet Time?" After visiting the establishment several times, I am still unsure but feel the name meaning may encompass all of these. Or none of them. 

It also says in big letters "Roll yer own" and has a goodly amount of delightful graffiti-style decoration on the front, most of which is not shown in the photo accompanying this article. "Roll yer own" was less ambiguous in the meaning, whereas at first I was hoping it might be referring to Katamari, the leprechaun on the storefront was obviously stoned out of his gourd so that cleared up what I would be rolling for myself. Out back of the shop is a chain-link fence with barbed wire on top, and a number of derelict vehicles. Though curious, the place was so shady I could not convince myself to go in on my own and ended up pulling into the parking lot and cutting a donut to get back out on the road several times before Anita convinced me to stop being a little bitch and then we went in.

Anita: "You guys have the internet in here?"

Lady clerk:  "Yes, we do."

Anita: "WHERE IS IT?"

So we started looking around.  The "Internet Time" name must have referred to the four PCs set up on the shop floor on which old rednecky white dudes and a suave-lookin old black gentlemen were playing online poker.  I wondered for a second why these 4 dudes were playing poker online while sitting right next to each other as opposed to playing an actual game together, but before I thought too hard about that I felt I might have to question why I dumped so much time into online games and was not ready for another existential crisis today and instead started looking at the merchandise.

Things you can buy at Internet Time:

They also had a dagger with a swastika on the hilt, which is definitely a questionable thing to be selling, and which Anita really wanted to buy on the basis that "no one is going to fuck with a Jewish girl who's carrying a swastika-emblazoned dagger." Because of the implication.

Unfortunately Internet Time is not a 24 hour store.  Probably because after hours it converts into something even sketchier, likely involved gambling, rolling yer own, and those derelict vehicles in the fortified area behind the store.  If I wasn't so sure I would end up being the item wagered with in a Russian roulette betting pool, I'd try to figure out how to get in on the after-hours action.