Adventures with Beards

Horrible content made by an awful man for terrible people

Really good party planning tips


When you plan a party you should send out invitations first with charming words like "from midnight til dot dot dot what what?!!??" and "needle play" and "vaccinations."

You should plan to offer things people like such as "free fire" and "no drama" and "no incontinent hamsters."  Or, "free fire hamsters."

People would go to a party offering free fire hamsters.   I'd sure as fuck want to see that shit.  That's not something you see everyday.  Most fire hamsters are pretty expensive.  Ya know, because of the high arson rate.  Raises home insurance significantly.  Anyway I'd go to a party offering free fire hamsters.  And since I am a self-professed-right-now-to-you-in-this-scholarly-article-as-I'm-writing-it-party-planner, I think others would definitely agree with me.

Anyway,  after that throw it in an isolated, distant location in a mountain forest.  Make totally sure that there is at least one running body of water on the road, at least a mile from the locale itself.  Hopefully it'll flood and that way people will get a free 1/2 car wash.  (the bottom half not the top).

Make absolutely sure you do not give anyone the code for the gate which they must drive through which is considerably far away from where they are supposed to park.  Which is closed and locked by the patrolling rangers 24/7.  In the facebook event you use to draw your guests and coordinate the event, definitely tell them you will provide them with this code.  But again, definitely do not do this at all.  Just make sure they believe you will.  This is the most vital part of throwing the party; this hilarious misunderstanding, which will bring good cheer to all.  All will think to themselves "by God, what a good jest."

Build anticipation for your party.  In order to make sure your guests get to spend more time anticipating your soon to be awesome party,  have them enjoy a scenic drive through unexpected country by giving an address to a location many miles away from the event on the other side of town that has nothing to do with anything about the party.  To further ensure they get enough anticipation time in, also provide vaguely correct driving directions and misspell every key road name in them.  This way they will be practically bursting with anticipation by the time they get to the gate they can't pass through.

If you've planned your event well it should be totally dark now and your guests have arrived at the locked gate after several hours of anticipation building.  Since none of them have the code (remember our clever tip from earlier, told ya it'd pay off :D) at least one of them will be forced to trek through the pitch black mountain woods and through the running stream, and after a good soaking walk through that they'll finally arrive at your event!  Ignore their request to text the gate code to their compatriots at the gate.  Insist they walk back down the mountain.  Do this while blatantly texting someone else, it is a very important to do this so they can actually see the message and you sending it.  Continue to act as if it is impossible for you to text them, even being provided the number.  Wander off.

Record an orgy of demonic laundry machines and put 1200 drum beats per minute with it, play this for 12+ hours.

Make sure to invite at least one or more schizophrenic rednecks, and get them all piss drunk out of their goddamn minds. (more is much better)

You are now on the way to hosting the best party of your life.

Sit back, and to congratulate yourself for doing such a good job, smash your face into the wall over and over again.