Adventures with Beards

Horrible content made by an awful man for terrible people

On the origins of beards - BEARD FACTS


Where do beards come from?

From tiny holes in your face.  That is the simple answer for the plebeian.

But we must go deeper than the holes.  Not into the face, into the the origin of the faceholes.  Faceholes are a result of our genes.

Genes are colorful strands of beads that are woven together and tell our bodies how to put together the tiny legos called "cells" that makes us able to get drunk.  Our genes are the result of billions of different animals humping over the eons until we popped out.  The most recent animals that humped your genes out are called parents.  If you are a dudely dude or a particulary badass lady and have a beard then a lot of the animals that humped to make you were probably fans of beards, and maybe had them themselves, and chose to hump the traits that lead to beards.  That is called "Darwinism".   Darwin had a beard himself and went around the world on a journey to discover the true origin of beards.  Most of this article is actually directly paraphrased from his notes when he went around the world humping for beards.

So what was the first beard in history?  Well you may say it'd have to be a mammal because mammals were the first group of animals to start humping about hair, which beards are made of.  But you'd be a wrong idiot.

Dinosaurs were the first animals to grow a beard.  They did it with scales though, not hairs.  A beard is about form and texture more than chemical composition.   Here is a picture of a baby dinosaur with a beard.  Dinosaurs mature very quickly.  The drinking age back in the Cretaceous was much lower than today.   Dimetroceratops  

After that mammals came up with beards themselves though.  They first tried to show dinosaurs up by growing beards all over their bodies, and most still do today.  Eventually some decided this sort of defeated the spirit and form of the original dinosaur beard and so they decided to go for that, and concentrate the hair around their face like the reptilian forelizards of beards.  Lion dudes are an example of this practice, and also human dudes.

It has been said that as the smartest land animals on the internet that humans are now the planetary custodian of the beard and we are ultimately responsible for its survival into future generations.

Since all the dwarves moved to the mantle.