Adventures with Beards

Horrible content made by an awful man for terrible people

A simple practice called "fleeing from mortal danger" can nurture your health and well-being



Adventures with Beards wants to let you in on a eons-old, natural therapy that peddlers of modern pharmaceuticals, health concoctions, and expensive exercise programs don't want you to know about! It can cure depression, improve physical health, and raise your overall well-being. It's been called many things in many different languages, and in fact predates language itself... but in modern English it loosely translates to "fleeing from mortal danger", or more popularly as "running for your life" and similar variants. I'll explain how it works, with a step-by-step.

Location, location

If you want to do it the organic way, a tried-and-true method that people have been using for millenia, you're going to want to go to the territory of a large, carnivorous land animal. The larger, the better. If you're in North America, for instance, some of your options are going to include wolves, coyote, alligators, bears, and mountain lions. Many would consider bears the optimal option. If you live in or near the wilderness, or near a national park of some sort known to be home to such denizens, that's where you are going to want to head.

Get off the beaten path

You're going to want to get lost. Real lost. Wild animals, in most cases, will try to avoid areas frequented by humans, such as trails. Plus, they are far more likely to go after an isolated human than if there are others around. The knowledge that you're alone will also make you more terrified once the chase begins, helping improve the quality of the therapy. You're going to want to go thrashing through brush with reckless abandon, without a map or compass, until you have no fucking clue where your ass is. The noise will help attract their attention, and you'll probably get some scrapes and open wounds to help get your scent out there, which will help with the next part.

Dress the part

You're going to want to smear yourself with raw hamburger. In fact, it's best if you don't stop there. Hit up your local meat market or butchery, and also invest in some fresh cuts of meat and fish fillets. See if they have any buckets of blood that you can douse yourself with, too. Take some duct tape or string and tie the meat to you, to form a sort of meaty suit of armor. The great part about the meatsuit is if you're going to be out there for a while, it's a great quick snack source.

Make new friends

If you're having trouble finding the animal, or getting one to find you, make sure you're paying attention to your surroundings. Know what their tracks look like, and keep an eye out for them, or broken undergrowth that indicates a large animal may have passed through. Large, sloppy looking poo piles are good indicators of predatory animals marking their territory. Exposed poop is how large predators basically give the middle finger to each other. If you manage to find the den of a predator, drop your britches and just excrete all over the goddamn place. Nothing says "fuck you" to a giant, slavering beast better than a wimpy, furless primate made of and covered in meat pissing and shitting all over their home. If you've planned ahead you've eaten a lot of Taco Bell so this won't be a problem at all. When you finally come in contact with the animal, make noise if it doesn't see you, and cower. You don't want to start running until you are sure you have its full attention.

Therapy Time

If you've followed all the steps correctly, you should now be hauling ass at top speed to evade the clutches of an angry murder monster and the subsequent horrible mauling and death should it catch up with you. Congratulations! You will immediately begin to reap the following health benefits:

Make sure you share this with everyone you know, especially small children, so that they can start enjoying the benefits of hauling ass in a desperate bid for survival as early as possible in life.