Adventures with Beards

Horrible content made by an awful man for terrible people

Beards of India Vol. 1 ~ In which Will is stranded overseas on the desert island of Asia


Greetings, the Internet.  I, Will, a man with a beard, am stranded on a desert isle known as Asia.  This happened when I ended up getting myself sold into slavery once again, by being in the wrong place at the wrong time trying to seduce the wrong people, just like most of the times I got myself sold into slavery before.  One time I just ordered the wrong thing at Pizza Hut.

During my overseas flight, I struck up a romance with a young woman in the seat next to me.  We shared good times, such as laughing at the safety video where stick-figure representations of passengers filed calmly onto a life-raft as the plane floated in the water after a oceanic crash landing, staring at each other worriedly during turbulence, and awkward moments of waking up with the each other's drool on our shoulders after we accidentally drifted off and slumped over onto the other.  It was a silent relationship of deep emotional intimacy, we barely exchanged words but I could tell the bond was strong.  We had so much in common after all, such as being mammals, our ability to drool, and nervously laughing at things.  The relationship was short-lived though, as the plane crash landed and I was the only survivor, the fatal impact absorbed by my beard.

I found myself in a strange jungle, and charmed a bear by singing Baloo's song from the Beauty and the Beast, titled "A Whole New World".  I rode this bear to the nearest settlement and learned the desert island I was on is called Asia, and I had found the kingdom of New Deli.  I asked if the meats at the old deli were still okay to eat, but the state of the old sandwich shop kingdom must have been a source of some shame or woe, as they didn't really answer.

I still had my slave card on me, unfortunately, so I have had to start off in the lowest caste.  They have put me to work testing some Internets.  Unfortunately they are not fun Internets with titties or lasers or Pokemans.  I have to test about 100 Internets a day, which can take anywhere from 10-15 hours.

I am treated with lavish feasts, though.  They taste like fire.  I am told the fire mixed in with the food is to kill anything that might hatch inside me.  My insides get gurgly and knotty a little while after eating it, so I figure it must be the death throes of parasites perishing in the food's fieriness.  After a week of eating fire feasts, I think my insides are becoming stronger.  Or have lost sensation, whatever.

I hope to impart more of my adventures as they unfold here in this sandwich kingdom.  I have not yet seen any sandwiches, or slices of meat, oddly enough...I intend to uncover the meaning of this.  I have learned that the currency of Hyrule is in use here.  Most things cost at least 200 rupees, though, which is pretty pricey.  You do not find many 200 rupee stashes in Hyrule as I recall, meaning this place either has heavy inflation or Hyrule has a really shitty economy.  I have gotten in a lot of fights over breaking pots and rifling through peoples belongings and plants.  There are a LOT of cracked walls so I figure if I can find some bombs, I'll fare much better.  No idea where to buy a sword or shield though, it may be for the best considering the number of altercations I get into over pots; I would probably have committed at least 36 murders so far and I am told murder is also illegal here, mostly.