Adventures with Beards

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9 More Bad Habits that Destroy Marriages


come whale away

I've seen articles floating around on this subject lately, and the 9 bad habits they cite are obscure, rare habits that just don't apply to the vast majority of people or their marital problems, such as "lack of communication" and "not enough boning" or "not spending quality time together." As someone who has personally destroyed at least one marriage, and probably others just by walking around town being too pretty and showing too much chest hair, I can tell you that these are not problems faced by most married couples. All the married peeps I've met spend quality time boning and talking while doing so. So AWB brings you 9 real-world patterns matrimonialized couples fall into that are constantly ruining marriages across the globes.

Threatening to file for divorce and following through on the threat, completing all the necessary paperwork

Sometimes in a heated argument, you may say you're going to divorce your spouse, and then immediately contact a lawyer and go through the entire legal process in a huff and before you know it you have legally ended the marriage when all you probably needed to do was eat a Snickers. As you sheepishly munch on the delicious Snickers bar and your blood sugar levels improve you will realize the expense you just incurred since you must now finance another wedding to them in order to rectify your mistake. Do this enough times and you will be in financial ruin and not able to get re-married, ending the marriage once and for all.

Stowing away on the next rocket heading to the international space station to avoid doing household chores

No one likes doing chores. They can pile up during back-to-back sessions of quality boning time. Then when you must finally venture out beyond the sticky confines of your wrecked bedroom to get another bucket of KY, you see the condition of things in the domicile and take a detour on the way to Deviant Dave's Dark Delights, and that detour is to the launch site of the next rocket bound for the international space station. By the time your spouse snaps out of their post-coital catatonia and realizes something isn't right, you are in orbit. Repeating this habit will make you appear unreliable as a partner, and erodes trust over time.

Bringing home more than a dozen stray cats in a single day and re-purposing all the dressers in the house into multi-tiered litter boxes without even removing their contents first

This is a heavily researched habit. Separately, all these things are okay. If you convert a dresser into a bureau of shitsand but remove the contents first, no prob. If you happen to forget to move the contents of one or two drawers, oh well, it's just stuff. If it is exactly twelve cats or less, or brought in over a span longer than a day, no big deal! But combine all these mistakes into one repeated habit and you can produce strain on the relationship that could lead to its downfall.

Leaving your spouse to wake up and eventually ascertain you've headed to sea for a three year arctic whaling voyage on a frigate without leaving any explanation or point of contact

It is customary when departing abruptly on a dangerous voyage answering the yearning call of the sea for one leave a hand-written note, followed by further notes describing subsequent events on the journey each time you stop in a port. To not do so, instead leaving your spouse to go through the process of filing a missing person's report only to learn from the private investigator they eventually hire that you've embarked on a quest to test your mettle against the largest animals on Earth without giving them a heads up, is a real dick move. One might even say it is a...moby...dick move. Hahaha, Christ, I'm funny.

Not being able to achieve arousal without taping a life-size portrait of an ex to your partners face when engaging in intercourse and also referring to them by the ex's name, particularly loudly during climax

The research is inconclusive as to why exactly this is, but making a frequent practice of this seems to have a negative impact on your partner's self-image, desire, and overall opinion of the marriage. However, if you absolutely MUST do this, it is recommended that you reciprocate by wearing a picture of their ex of choice at the same time. This will not at all escalate into progressively weirder, more elaborate, and much darker role play scenarios.

Obsessively pouring over ancient texts late into the night in an attempt to perfect the resurrection spell you are testing on roadkill you've stored in the fridge instead of coming to bed

Locking yourself in the attic or basement as you scour musty tomes bound in human skin, mumbling a combination of English, latin, and forgotten tongues into the wee hours of the morning is fine every once in a while, but if it's an every night thing it can really affect your marriage. Your spouse may start to believe that you prefer the company of macabre franken-animals that perish screaming seconds after being brought back into a horrifying existence to their own companionship. They'll constantly be struggling to find places to keep leftovers and frozen goods in your fridge full of automobile-mutilated carcasses. And when you finally come to bed drenched in the smell of formaldehyde and blood, there's no guarantee they're going to be into it, providing of course that it wasn't necromancy that brought you together in the first place.

Driving over your neighbor's flower beds with a riding lawnmower while sporting a raised middle finger and a half-gallon of vodka you are taking large pulls from using your free hand

Everyone needs to do this now and again to blow off some steam, but on a habitual basis, trouble is sure to follow. Soon your spouse will become frustrated with the inconvenience of making martinis and Long Island iced teas because they must wrestle the handle of vodka from your belligerent grasp every time they want to mix a drink. It's also important to allow them time to come up with the next tragic backstory to offer up as an excuse for your asinine behavior when they must go around apologizing to the neighbors on your behalf. Even the most brilliant and creative partners will run out of material if this practice becomes an every day thing.

Not giving your spouse's ass a good, loud, open-palmed slap right on the cheek in full view of your combined families at holiday get-togethers every time they bend over to operate an oven or other appliance

Failure to do so will not only demonstrate to your spouse and loved ones that the sexual desire has bled out of the marriage, but that you do not even wish to acknowledge before others that this is an ass that you are proud of slapping. It is important to show that the spark is still there, and make sure it is heavily implied to all present that this is an action often taken when you are both fully nude and in the throes of passion. It is vital that you not miss a single ass slapping opportunity or it will show that you are an inattentive partner. If your spouse happens to get startled, dropping and shattering the expensive casserole dish their grandmother who is actually present gave them, and turns on you in a fury which leads to you making out on the dining table and ultimately pulling the entire tablecloth and objects that sat upon it onto the floor, including a lit candelabra which starts a small fire your in-laws must put out as you grope each other obliviously, you'll leave no doubts that the fire has not gone out of the marriage, but it is quickly spreading into the living room.

Accidentally getting re-married to someone else because you forgot you were married and inviting your current spouse to the wedding

In the hustle and bustle of every-day life, it's not uncommon that you may completely forget about large portions of your situation, such as being married. When you inevitably do, it's easy to get caught up in a whirlwind romance that results in a accelerated courtship and an impulse-based engagement and subsequent plans for a wedding. Naturally, the state won't let you go through with it in the end, and you'll be reminded when that happens, but by this point you've already sent out invitations asking people to RSVP. The trick is clearly denoting your current husband or wife in all your contact lists as such, so when you are making the invitations and run across their name it will ring that mental bell and you can tell your current fiancee "You know what, I totes am already married" and then share a hearty laugh, because chances are they forgot they were too. Failing all else, just make sure to include a space on the RSVP form for a plus one, because if the invitation makes it to your spouse and it looks like you just assumed they would not bring a date, that, also, is a major dick move.