Back in the late 1890s, or to be more specific, 1998 a man appeared in the American music scene. A man that was a boy. And that manboy was Rock Boy. His first album, Devil Causes, went triple palladium. It popularized a totes new genre of music known as rack rop. It was so cool and popular that other artists tried to do it too, like Fred Dunst from the Biscuit Limpers. This made Rock Boy pretty impressed with himself so he quit his job as a belt smith and fur trapper and made as much rack rop as he could. Lots of college bros bought it and used it to perform their mating dances, in which they display their bright plumage and compete to be able to touch butts.
But that was then, and this is now, and yesterday is gone, and tomorrow may never come, and where did he go?
No one new what happened to Rock Boy, the first place they checked was a belt and fur shop, but no he did not go back to work there. So I started at the scene of his last sighting, pictured here. He was seen having a case of face problems at a red carpet event.
I went to the scene of where this event had transpired so long ago and found his good friend Fred Dunst there.
“Where did you go Rock Boy I often think about when we were last here at the red carpet event and rubbed our faces against the carpet, as I am doing now oh hello there fellow famous person and world’s most handsome man, Will Shirley, what can I do for you?”
But this was not a time for pleasantries; Mr. Dunst was clearly a mess and needed to be shaken to his senses so I grabbed his collar and demanded “You can tell me where the hell Rock Boy has gone!”
“The woods he went to go be a wood chopper in Canadia” Fred sad, and he collapsed sobbing and I had to gently remove him from holding my feet. I had gone too far, but when AWB INVESTIGATES we care about results, not tear-soaked shoes, and I had my lead.
I went to the wood forest in Canadia and asked them “Hello have you seen a woodchopper named Rock Boy?”
And they said,”Who is asking?”
And I thought about it very carefully, and made some phone calls to be sure about it, and then confirmed by saying,”Me.”
The Canadian said,”Good I was worried that a less beautiful man was asking.”
We shared a long, hearty laughed and I replied at the end of it,”No, I don’t think so.”
“Here is a picture of where I last saw him,” the Canadian said, handing me a picture he had painted of a main in a car that had been made of snow leopards, shown here. “Look for a car made of snow leopards and you will find him.”
So I did, it did not take long because there are only 4 cars made of leopards in the whole world these days.
And there was Rock Boy. He said “I don’t want to be a wood chopper any more. I want to be a phone salesman, buy this phone.”
I said,”Rock Boy what happened, where have you been all this time?”
He said,”Studying Marketing at Yale to learn to sell phones.”
I said,”You are not very good at it because I have not bought it.”
He said,”Haven’t you?”
I looked down and sure enough, I was holding the phone and handing him money and I said,”Wow you are pretty good. What’s next for you?”
He said,”I am going to be an explorer. Starting with your backyard.”
Now he lives in the woods near my home, hunting stoats with his swordgun device, and urinating on trees to let me know which ones are his. I would appreciate it if someone would do something about this, which is really the point of this whole piece…I am not comfortable with him there, especially when he peers through the window while I decide which underpants to wear. Fred if you’re reading this please come pick him up.